This blog is a short one and not for everyone perhaps…but it comes at one of those points in life where you feel it is time to make a choice in the direction you follow. Is the path the correct one? Has the journey been worthwhile so far? You have to move forwards rather than spend too long in regrets and ‘what-might-have-been’, but before continuing I have learned that it is best for me to pause. It is good to take a breath and raise my head to smell the air, to look around and assess the possibilities before stepping forward.
Those that have followed my blog will have been on a journey with me, and I thank you for that. It has been a journey of self-reflection about my identity, my sense of belonging (or not belonging) and my passion for supporting learners, be that in HE or my beloved early childhood.
Recently, I delivered a talk for Black History Month (BHM) in which I tried to encapsulate my journey of self-reflection as a woman of mixed heritage who has lived her life in a predominantly white space. It involved so many emotions about why BHM is challenging for me personally. The comments I had during and since my talk revealed that my story resonated with brown and black people, but most importantly to me that it made white listeners reflect (and sometimes plan to act) differently.
Before, during and after the event the emotional toll was heavy. Reliving past racial trauma, brought it back to the surface. I had to fight with my demons – the ones that shout loud when I am brave enough to take up space: My mother’s voice in my head telling me that it is over-indulgent to speak about oneself, and that it lacks humility when you are amongst people more important than you, and the imposter-syndrome questioning why anyone would want to listen to anything that I had to say. In those voices I recognise my five-year old self, standing in a puddle of her own making hearing in her head, “You are not worthy.” I spent a long weekend after the talk feeling bruised and tender. However, as always the love of my family (and a particularly delicious group-hug with daughter, son-in-law and grandsons) healed the immediate hurt. I am amazingly privileged to have what I have.
I thought long and hard about sharing the talk more widely than those present on the day – in sharing your story you also share a part of yourself that is most often hidden. However, today I realised that I set myself on a path when I started the blog knowing that I wanted it to be a provocation to people to reflect on the issues that are dear to my heart.
So… I share it here. Please be aware that I am told it is an emotional listen. There is also a trigger warning that I talk of enslaved people. I mean no harm to anyone. This recording is my explanation of ‘Why I hate Black History Month’, and like I did to those that listened on the day, I gift it to you. It is my truth to take or leave as you will, but if just one person listens and acts it will be worth the emotional labour.
Although the talk was videoed I have chosen not to share this to protect the privacy of those that attended and instead share an audio version. It is nearly 50 minutes long, so perhaps listen with the beverage of your choice in hand. If you want to see the pictures that I mention and the attributions to those I talk of, then please look at the powerpoint which you can download and view.
All I ask in return is that you listen with an open heart and open mind.
P.S. For those that listened just to let you know that a question afterwards was about how those in early years can support black children in having the sense of belonging that I didn’t…these are some resources I suggested:
“My Skin, your Skin: Let’s talk about race and empowerment” by the wonderful Laura Henry-Allain MBE and illustrated by Onyinye Iwu here
“The tiney guide to becoming an inclusive anti-racist practitioner” again by the wonderful Laura with Matt Lloyd-Rose here
A little voice in a noisy world 