I’ve been sitting on a box that lives inside…but its contents have been jiggling, bumping and knocking since March. This week the lid sprung open, and with a cry of joy the Guilt Monster emerged. I have learned to keep that lid firmly shut over the years, with reminders from helpful individuals along the way. However, trying to manage the stress over many months causing the pump of adrenalin followed by the extreme tiredness like a drug as it leaves my system, the ongoing anxiety that there’s a job not finished or (heaven forbid) missed altogether, and the longing for proper contact and connection meant I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice that his little fingers had started to poke and prod at the back of my mind, to taint my thoughts and my tongue. So…

#Iamsorry

…that I snapped at you earlier/ wrote that grumpy email / rolled my eyes in that Zoom Call

…that I said I would shut down the computer and stop work in half an hour when actually the wait was 4 times that

…that I didn’t ring you this week when I know that you are old and frail and miss your family

…that I can’t be as productive as ‘those others’ who tweet or post pictures of the wonderful number of things they have achieved that morning and that my first uncharitable, unspoken thought is “and I suppose you also have a broom up your arse and are sweeping the floor as you post your many achievements”. It took me 15 minutes to even fire up my computer today…

…that my computer works at snail’s pace, my broadband with intermittent strength, and that my cat disrupts our session

…that I lock you out of the office, and yes I know you are an old cat. I know that you are hungry/in need of a lap and I am here just talking to myself in a room. Yes I know you are a goddess with not much time left in this mortal world.

…that my cat didn’t join our session today

…that you want less/more online learning

…my friends, that I missed or joined briefly your attempts to get us together online

…that my big brown butt introduced notions around white privilege alongside the range of other philosophies, theories and approaches in order for students to develop critical analysis

…that I am talking too fast as the adrenaline and tiredness fight for dominance… and that it takes me so long after teaching to slow my brain down

…that I cannot tweet/retweet/like/comment on your posts even though I am sure I have missed valuable news and views

…that I laugh ironically when I open up another email that I have no time to read offering me tips to improve my wellbeing, or to make nominations to receive an award

…that the folders weren’t labelled accurately or I am not as organised as I usually am

…that I cannot be active in the various fights and causes I am invited to join or the events I am asked to take part in

…if I crossed that invisible line during our chat, but you had crossed mine. I will always fight with my own moral compass in mind, on the side of people for people.

…that with triumph I cross off an item on my ‘to-do’ list, and then weep silently that I have added another 5 items to the bottom of the list

…that there are things in my to-do list which I will not get to before the deadline has passed

…that my first thought when hearing news of possible industrial action was “Thank god, perhaps I can stop and rest and therefore survive until Christmas”

…that I could only answer your email asking for support so briefly

…that I can’t reach out a hand to touch you when you are clearly distressed

…that I haven’t time to check on those I haven’t seen on the screen in order to quiet that nagging voice in my head that says I should, and hold out my hand as I normally would

…that my attempts for an exciting online task backfired/I planned too much/ we over-ran/ you thought we finished too early

…that I didn’t complete your form in time…again

…that I couldn’t celebrate with you my darling child and your wonderful family as you move into your first house today and you cannot take me around sharing plans for your new home

…that I have to teach modules I love for the very last time because my course, despite the fight, has been closed down

…that I am working on my day off/at the weekend again

…that I am teaching you in the evening when you are clearly tired from your day at work, and I am so tired you don’t get my best. You deserve so much more

…that I cannot hold the people I love and give them my squidgy hugs when they need it or when I need it

…that I have temporarily forgotten how privileged I am and lucky to have all that I do have

#I’msorry I am sorry.

I’m wrestling with the guilt monster and as my words appear on the screen, he is now peeping out from under the lid of the box inside me. Wish me luck and send me strength to close that lid completely.